My little dot

 

For several years I’ve wanted to become a mom. A few months ago my mom died. She wished more than anything to meet you before she dies, but unfortunately didn’t have this opportunity. Maybe that is why I wanted to embrace you as soon as possible.

 

I was sooo excited when I found out I was pregnant! I did several tests in order to be one hundred percent sure. And yes, what joy, what expectations, but also fear and loneliness, because my mother is not here, because we'll never be mothers together, because now I will finally fully understood her and because she will never take you in her arms! But I have loved you from day one.

 

I could not wait, I called your daddy on the phone and told him the good news. He said »great«, but I heared the fear in his voice. I calculated how long I was pregnant and called my gynecologist. I had an appointment with her in a few days, but you were still too small and we couldn't hear your heartbeat. She told me to come back on 16 August.

 

I've been waiting happily to hear your heartbeat for the first time. August 14 evening, I began to bleed slightly. I was saying to myself, it’s probably nothing seriously because I wasn’t bleeding much. But the following night I got cramps and the bleeding was stronger.

 

What kind of fear and sense of helplessness occur at such moments! Thoughts are irrational, seeking how to defend indefensible ... in order not to bleed, I inserted a tampon, I didn't want to loose you and although my mind was telling me that I soon would, I was trying to comfort myself there is no harm yet and that many women bleed during pregnancy. I was sure I will learn that everything is ok the following day. I tried to keep you inside at all costs. During the day the bleeding got worse and I felt uterine contractions, how my body wants to squeeze you out. Noooo! Do not discard something that comes from you, the only bright spot of my future!

 

The pain was unbearable. I was contemplating if I did something to cause this. In the evening, I could not lie, stand or sit. I went to the bathroom and felt how something is falling out of me. I stuck my hand and I caught you in my hand. I wanted to see you. I want to remember forever that I once held you in my hands and you felt my love. You were a small dot, almost unformed, yet I could see you. I screamed and cried in despair.

 

My mother was afraid of water (I love it). Every time she washed her face, she was saying to water: "Take what is bad away from me and bring what is good" to make it easier to transpose fear. So I knew that I will not bury you, I will leave you to water, so it brings you to my mother. That from now on she will be hugging, protecting and taking care of you, as she did for me until her death.

 

Your dad did not understand my pain, since you hadn’t been a child, who could be embraced, so I tolerate the pain by myself. I wrote, wrote about the immense suffering of when life dies, a life that had raised hope, that it would be loved and for which I would give my own life. I wrote about how people said that I was young, so I can have many children. About how angry I was on them because I can have 10 children, but none of them will be you. You, who came first into my life and went away too fast.

 

I can’t describe the pain I feel; it’s too deep and too heavy. You are not here. And you will never be. But you will forever be my little boy who brought joy to my life and to whom I will always be a mother.

 

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